@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

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@StinkyGr33n

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

@causticbob

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

@iamburtjarvis

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

@squirrel74wkgn

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

@nghtfltguy

Women do not want to hear what you think..nnThey want to hear what they think..nnIn a deeper voice……

@TheTweetOfGod

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

@PieChord

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

@capnmcfword

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

@randypaint

[invention of wine]

guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years

friend: why

guy: to drink it, obviously

friend: are u okay

@ZSmooth2

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain