5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
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Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Body by cheese-puffs.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.