Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.