5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
You Might Also Like
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
a badder mouse
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself