@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

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@Chhapiness

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

@imchriskelly

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

@squirrel74wkgn

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

@ThisLocalHater

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

@david8hughes

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

@XAIMMadellynne

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

@ConanOBrien

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

@1_swarthy_dude

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”