*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Passwords are more important than ever.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I feel seen
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.