Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
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As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slowest swimmer.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.