5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

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Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”


As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.


Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.


If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?


[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone


GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.


Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician


What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.


[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.