5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

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Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.


Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.


BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole


I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.


[getting ready for plans I shouldnโ€™t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer


“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.


How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it


[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun


The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.