@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

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@AJslackie

Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.

@Darlainky

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

@meechonmars

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

@AlisonLeiby

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[getting ready for plans I shouldnโ€™t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

@SteveSuckington

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

@weinerdog4life

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

@ChrisScarlette

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

@JimmerThatisAll

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.