5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
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I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
concern
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.