@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

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@FeelingMervis

Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”

@DothTheDoth

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

@WeissBrandon

Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.

@timdonakowski

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

@markydoodoo

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

@TaylorVirtue

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

@Bob_Janke

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

@Tmoney68

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.