@threetimedaddy

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

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@Rollmaninoz

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

@junejuly12

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

@Mom_Overboard

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

@TheAndrewNadeau

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

@petridishes

from Jabba the Hutt’s perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him

@JWilsonGA

No, PSA, buzzed driving isn’t drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick.

@Reverend_Scott

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

@karencheee

People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings.

Right? I didn’t do this for nothing, right?

@squirrel74wkgn

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine