5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
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I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?