5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
May have had one breakfast too many
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
You sure about that?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.