5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

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Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.


me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm


No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.


HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm


Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.


Me: I need to make better life choices.



My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!


you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*


olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives


It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.