5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
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Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]