5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
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Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure