@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

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@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

@RodLacroix

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

@JimmerThatisAll

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

@Uxmmi

Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

@Rollmaninoz

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

@Book_Krazy

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

@desi_princess

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.