5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
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boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time