Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
You Might Also Like
When Girls Are On Their Period
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.
June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.