A better name for the Pope mobile would be a ‘Christler’.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
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[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
me: how about 9:15
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?