If someone writes you a long email that ends with “Thoughts?” just reply “Nope.”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
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I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
DR: i’m afraid you’re sterile
ME: yeah i just washed my hands
DR: no…you can’t have kids
ME: right. men can’t get pregnant
DR: you’ll never be able to pass down your genes
ME: that’s okay. when i finally have a son i’ll just buy him his own pair
[if trump wins somehow]
alien: “i said take me to your leader”
me: “dude i swear this is him”
If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
If I was any hungrier Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would adopt me.
What I texted:
No one like you.
What I meant to text:
No one likes you.
*During traffic stop
Cop: “My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs.”
Me (pointing down): “You mean him?”
C: “Yes, him!”
M: “So your dog talks to you, and I’m the one who’s high?”
C: *Stun guns me*
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.