@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

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@SteveSuckington

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

@ClichedOut

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

@pleatedjeans

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

@DirtMcTurd

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

@FilthyRichmond

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

@Swishergirl24

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

@lemmywinkler

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

@mommajessiec

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*