@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

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@birbigs

If someone writes you a long email that ends with “Thoughts?” just reply “Nope.”

@sgrstk

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

@notviking

DR: i’m afraid you’re sterile
ME: yeah i just washed my hands
DR: no…you can’t have kids
ME: right. men can’t get pregnant
DR: you’ll never be able to pass down your genes
ME: that’s okay. when i finally have a son i’ll just buy him his own pair

@KeetPotato

[if trump wins somehow]
alien: “i said take me to your leader”
me: “dude i swear this is him”

@xmasape

If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft

@fro_vo

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

@tweetsvisual

What I texted:
No one like you.

What I meant to text:
No one likes you.

@atrout920

*During traffic stop

Cop: “My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs.”

Me (pointing down): “You mean him?”

C: “Yes, him!”

M: “So your dog talks to you, and I’m the one who’s high?”

C: *Stun guns me*

@rickolantern

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.