@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

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@batkaren

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

@toastymoe

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

@SamuelHlowe

Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I’m burying the body.

@carlyken

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

@ramblinma

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

@daddydoubts

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

@BuckyIsotope

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

@omgshuddup

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?