FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
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“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands
“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF