5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
You Might Also Like
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.