@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

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@UncleDuke1969

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

@TheTweetOfGod

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

@juliussharpe

Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.

@MummaCrazy

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

@aissalanis

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

@FrogAvalanche

News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
Correspondent: This.

@zachreinert03

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

@Jandalize

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

@KyleMcDowell86

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF