5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
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If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣