@juneohara65

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

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@Pierre__4

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

@mrjohndarby

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

@Mom_Overboard

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

@SamGrittner

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

@iwearaonesie

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

@PetrickSara

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

@kimtopher22

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

@dorsalstream

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

@Dani_Feld

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

@telizs3

Is it wrong to laugh at the clerk who asked if I wanted a 2-year warranty on an electronic toy my kid will lose interest in in 2 weeks?