If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
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Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?
– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Is it wrong to laugh at the clerk who asked if I wanted a 2-year warranty on an electronic toy my kid will lose interest in in 2 weeks?