5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
You Might Also Like
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]