5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope