[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
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If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?