One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.
5-year-old: What are Nazis?
Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago
5: Why were they bad?
Me: They kept correcting our grammar
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*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Louder for the tape?”
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Guy behind me at a concert recording with his iPad was pissed when I held up my 40″ monitor that was hooked to my laptop, blocking his view
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything?
Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*