@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: What are Nazis?

Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago

5: Why were they bad?

Me: They kept correcting our grammar

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@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

@toomanytoes

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

@robfee

Everyone in horror movies:
*Loud scream*
It was probably just the wind.
*Ghost flies across room*
Just the wind.
*Dog gets cut in half*
Wind

@Parkerlawyer

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

@Henry_3000

Instead of “Add a comment” Twitter’s new quote tweet format should read, “Well, ackshually”.

@rickolantern

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

@Schmoodles

I finally decided to unfollow someone who hasn’t tweeted in a year. They’ll probably come back tomorrow & make me look like a real c**t.

@sonictyrant

me: worms cannot fully express my love for you, but they’ll try

girlfriend: you mean words lol

me: *shooing away flock of birds* just open the box babe

@capnwatsisname

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go