I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
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The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?