5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
You Might Also Like
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Goodnight 🐶
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.