I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
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If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat right next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Just passed by a restaurant named “Beer and Tacos”
So it appears that Heaven really is a place on Earth
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.