@TheCiscoKidder

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

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@NYorNothing

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

@bridger_w

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat right next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money”

@Marlebean

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

@KeetPotato

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

@beefman138

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

@Reverend_Scott

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

@drayzze

Just passed by a restaurant named “Beer and Tacos”

So it appears that Heaven really is a place on Earth