5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
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People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
every. time.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
God has abandoned us.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on