5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
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“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night