@Bripping_Talls

5 year plan?
I havent even planned this sentence volcano.

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@VerifiedJayy

My son: do kids that get bullied go to college?

Me: no they go to the police academy

@AnnietheNanny1

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

@realHamOnWry

You must be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.

#MyBestInsult

@TheAlexNevil

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

@JTQuest

Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum

@Gupton68

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]

@SimplySnaccbar

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.