5 year plan?
I havent even planned this sentence volcano.

You Might Also Like


My son: do kids that get bullied go to college?

Me: no they go to the police academy


I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.


You must be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.



All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.


Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum


What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?


Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]


[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.


Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.