My son: do kids that get bullied go to college?
Me: no they go to the police academy
5 year plan?
I havent even planned this sentence volcano.
You Might Also Like
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
You must be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.