@ninavarelas

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

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@LilMoose77

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

@bonehugsnirony

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

@ems

I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them.

@dreamthievin

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

@Ameiam

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

@ChaseMit

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

@patnspankme

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

@VikramParalkar

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

@Macar00ny

Give a man a subtweet and he’ll be like “is this about me?” Teach a man to subtweet you’ll be like “is that about me?”

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.