5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
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Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
🙄😏😂🤣
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
how was your vacation
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.