5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.