5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
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Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
The days of good grammer has went
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
When can I start eating bats again.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”