5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
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You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.