lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
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Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Am I the only one who whispers “Get a job” into the baby monitor?
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months