5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
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the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
let’s discuss
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)