@3sunzzz

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

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@thenoahkinsey

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

@markhoppus

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

@Daveastated

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

@amazymay72x

What would u do if u won the lotto?

10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u.
11yo: I’d buy a monkey.

Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.

@SatansTongue

The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is gonna be one hell of a week.

@bazecraze

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

@pro_worrier_

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

@RichHarris2

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.