[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
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Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
therapist: u suffer from social isolation
me: oh no
therapist: you just need to talk to people
me: OH NO
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.
Murderer:You can’t hide from me!
Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!
Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.
Having been married for awhile, I’m out of touch. Is it ok to date several guys or just one at a time? I asked my husband, he just got pissy
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.