@ObscureGent
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
@LittleMissAngr1
[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]
Niece: why are you doing that?
Me: so I can stay strong and healthy
Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy
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@ObscureGent
@HardlyUnDead
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
@kelownagoose
A grown mans’ nemesis should not be a classmate of my 7 year old.
But here we are.
*knocks juice box out of her hand.
@Rollinintheseat
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
@heckyessica
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
@CroweJam
I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.
@Schmoodles
Me: Girls’ night in!!!
Cat: I’m a cat.
Me: You’re my best friend.
Cat: I’m not even a girl cat.
Me: So it’s like a date?
Cat: Get help.
@funflaps
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
@chuuew
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
@Bandersnaaatch
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.