@LittleMissAngr1

[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]

Niece: why are you doing that?

Me: so I can stay strong and healthy

Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy

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@ObscureGent

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

@HardlyUnDead

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

@kelownagoose

A grown mans’ nemesis should not be a classmate of my 7 year old.

But here we are.

*knocks juice box out of her hand.

@Rollinintheseat

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

@heckyessica

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

@CroweJam

I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.

@Schmoodles

Me: Girls’ night in!!!

Cat: I’m a cat.

Me: You’re my best friend.

Cat: I’m not even a girl cat.

Me: So it’s like a date?

Cat: Get help.

@funflaps

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

@chuuew

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

@Bandersnaaatch

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.