Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]
Niece: why are you doing that?
Me: so I can stay strong and healthy
Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy
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When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
Biden: Trust me.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Jurassic Park II
Jurassic Park III
Jurassic Park IIII
Jurassic Park IIIII
[this fence is taking forever]
You can’t spell “Schwarzenegger” without “google.”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*