@LittleMissAngr1

[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]

Niece: why are you doing that?

Me: so I can stay strong and healthy

Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy

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@jimmytorosian

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

@sugarwits

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

@Crutnacker

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

@IndecisiveJones

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

@CornOnTheGoblin

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

@Sickayduh

Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park II
Jurassic Park III
Jurassic Park IIII
Jurassic Park IIIII
[this fence is taking forever]

@ToneLoaf

You can’t spell “Schwarzenegger” without “google.”

@dril

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

@scot7a

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*