I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
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the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.