[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
dogs can find happiness so easily
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No