@NeatFoxes

“50 Cent for 2Pacs of Eminems!? That’s Ludacris!”

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@LuckoftheDraw86

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

@ArfMeasures

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

@pittdave13

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

@KeetPotato

dad: “start a rumour so people are scared of you”
me: “ok”
[later]
cellmate: “i kill people for money”
me: “i brush my teeth with hot water”

@ImaFlyontheWall

Him:Dude, I went on one of those police ride alongs with my friend..it was awesome! You ever done that?
Me: In the front or back of the car?

@ThaJawn

(Kid’s Bday Party)

Kid: Who are you?

I’m you, from the future, don’t eat that cake!

K: *puts cake down, runs away crying

*eats his cake

@Robinbuble

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

@Just_Beachy72

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

@MelvinofYork

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise