50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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choose your fighter(holiday edition)
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?