@sarcasticmommy4

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

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@shay_bayla

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

@MarfSalvador

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

@dave_cactus

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

@VerifiedJayy

According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was

@hermanntrude

Me: *holding a frying pan*

Brain: hit someone with it

Me:

Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!

@WinningByARose

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

@skittle624

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

@Just_BCS

Wine – you’re gonna sleep good

Beer – you’re probably going to hit on your cousin.

Whiskey – everyone will see your genitals.

@ArfMeasures

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

@Shock_Monster

If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:

My girlfriend.