I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
You Might Also Like
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was
Me: *holding a frying pan*
Brain: hit someone with it
Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Wine – you’re gonna sleep good
Beer – you’re probably going to hit on your cousin.
Whiskey – everyone will see your genitals.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick: