50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
They must have gotten it to go.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
These work great until they don’t.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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