@yenniwhite

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

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@OLDIRTYDIAPER

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@RandomManik

GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, “I care for you. Don’t do this”.

I’m still working on what to reply to my GF.

@ibid78

[commercial]
[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
Narrator: DOGS

@junejuly12

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

@michelleisawolf

George Clooney has done so much for the world. All of it to try to get us to forget that he was a terrible Batman.

@carlyken

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

@RiotGrlErin

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

@OldSpookMan

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”