50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
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We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My work here is done
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.