Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, “I care for you. Don’t do this”.
I’m still working on what to reply to my GF.
[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
George Clooney has done so much for the world. All of it to try to get us to forget that he was a terrible Batman.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”