50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
You Might Also Like
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.