guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
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[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart