* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
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Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.