50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
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i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there