50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
You Might Also Like
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride