50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
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Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
LMAO.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I’ve been drinking.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi