50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

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If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.


My favorite part of every Christmas special is when Santa’s sleigh and all the reindeer lift off from a roof and head for the distant horizon instead of the house next door.


My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.


[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT


I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad


When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”


Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.


Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know


5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..


“Is that a banana in your pocket or you just happy to see me?”

*Pulls out smart car