If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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My favorite part of every Christmas special is when Santa’s sleigh and all the reindeer lift off from a roof and head for the distant horizon instead of the house next door.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..
“Is that a banana in your pocket or you just happy to see me?”
*Pulls out smart car