50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

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i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead


“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.


I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.


It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.


[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*


Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.


Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.


Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol