50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
You Might Also Like
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Smile they said.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.