[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
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If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.