@mommajessiec

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

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@KentWGraham

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

@CelebrityChez

Just realized after two years that my boss is actually a grapefruit covered in ramen noodles with peanut eyes. Still very afraid of him.

@awordforaword

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

@Schooney_Tunes

Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they’d be extra soft.

@BubblesnBooze

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

@rockymomax

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

@AlexRogaski

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

@Owl_Meat

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

@michael_raphone

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

@pant_leg

the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason