@mommajessiec

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

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@iwearaonesie

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

@Home_Halfway

If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team

@qikipedia

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

@Iwriteforcats

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

@thepatrickwalsh

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

@vineyille

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

@myles_morrison

I changed my wifi name to “14.4k dial up connection” so no one would bother stealing my signal.

@SimplyEffortful

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”