Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
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Just realized after two years that my boss is actually a grapefruit covered in ramen noodles with peanut eyes. Still very afraid of him.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they’d be extra soft.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason