[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
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Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
They’re called werewolves.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Lol
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island