50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

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[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”


I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.


I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!


I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.


Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?


My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.


BOSS: why were you late?

ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic


That scene from Jurassic Park where the T-Rex is breathing heavily up against the jeep glass, except its me at the hotdog display in 7/11


[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here


The woman seated next to me wanted to know if San Francisco is near the water. I replied, “What’s water?” so she wouldn’t feel stupid.