50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
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I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Don’t snitch tag.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.