@ByYourLogic

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

You Might Also Like

@SergioValenCo

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

@drinksmcgee

Woman with thick Russian accent: You are very sexy.
Me (Blushing): Aw shucks.
W: No… I use wrong word… sweaty… is correct?
M: ….

@TheWoodenslurpy

Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.

@houffy

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

@ItsSamG

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

@aggierican

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

@linanneblack

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

@LurkAtHomeMom

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

@k_lli

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.