50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
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Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.