(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
This is true.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.