[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
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i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
That time Alicia messaged me
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.